


Depression Days

by MilesM



Category: RWBY
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:00:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22880692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesM/pseuds/MilesM
Summary: Nora just gets sad once in a while, it's nothing to worry about...
Kudos: 13





	1. The Morning

Pyrrha squeezed her eyes tightly shut, the jingling of the brass alarm clock rudely stealing sleep from her. Any second now there will be a loud smash followed by Nora jumping out of bed, throwing open the curtains, and loudly rousing the rest of the team. Probably with singing. Hopefully not with jumping on the bed again since she broke a lamp last time she tried that.

But the alarm kept ringing, uninterrupted. Curious, Pyrrha opened her eyes briefly to confirm there was still a Nora-sized lump under the girl's blankets. "Nora," she called, "the alarm?" She heard a ruffle in the bed next to hers followed by a soft click and the alarm falling silent. Pyrrha sighed and pushed herself up, looking at her comrade. Nora was curled up in a ball under her blankets, facing towards the wall.

"Nora?" Pyrrha called, hesitantly. The figure remained unmoved. "Are you alright?"

Nora shrugged under the blankets, a brief and barely perceptible lifting movement of her covers. Pyrrha got up and sat on Nora's bed, resting her hand on the girl's shoulder. Nora winced slightly but was otherwise still. Her bright eyes were red and puffy and had none of their traditional warmth. Nora slowly broke eye contact with Pyrrha and wrapped the blankets tighter around herself. Pyrrha frowned and dressed herself in a robe before stepping through the pink heart-printed sheets hung to offer a modicum of privacy between the girl's beds and the center of the room. She stopped outside the cowboy sheets (graciously donated by Jaune and surprisingly enthusiastically accepted by Ren) similarly hung to separate the boy's beds. "Ren," she called softly, "Jaune, can I come in?"

After a second's hesitation, the sheet is pulled back by Jaune, wearing his pajamas and a hoodie. "If Nora's really eager you two can go ahead," he started. "Ren just needs to make his bed, you know how he is." Ren, who was indeed making his bed, simply shrugged without looking.

"No," Pyrrha said, "there's something wrong with Nora."

Ren's head perked up and he turned around. "She's not getting up?"

Pyrrha nodded. "I think she's been crying too."

"Alright. This happens sometimes, don't worry. You two go ahead, I'll stay with her."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it'll be fine," Ren reassured her. "Just bring us back something."

Jaune and Pyrrha exchanged a concerned look before saying goodbye to Nora and heading down to the cafeteria. Ren crossed to the girls side of the room and called out to Nora before entering. She was unmoved, still curled up in a ball under her blankets. "Feeling down again?" Nora shrugged but said nothing. "Is it okay if I join you?" Nora didn't respond for a moment before slowly nodding her head and Ren slid into bed to sit next to her.

Nora flushed with embarrassment. For as long as she could remember she kept falling into this pit and she could never pull herself out. Her other friends would keep telling her to cheer up or try and talk her out of her funks, but it only made it worse. None of them understood how WRONG everything was and eventually they all gave up trying. Except Ren, damn him.

When she felt ugly he wouldn't tell her she was pretty, when she felt dumb he wouldn't tell her she was smart. He stayed by her side just _being_ there for years, her best friend when she wanted so much more. She hated him and she hated herself for hating him. She hated how his loyalty wasn't enough for her. She hated how she wasn't pretty enough for him. She hated how she couldn't keep him interested or happy. She hated how she forced him to deal with a broken girl like her.

She hated letting him see her cry. But that couldn't stop the tears from coming when he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Nora," Ren said quietly. "Do you feel up for classes today?"

She shook her head sharply. She really didn't want to leave the bed. The bed was warm and safe and she didn't have to struggle and be around happy people who just couldn't understand why she wasn't. She groaned inwardly. Ruby's relentless pep was going to kill her.

"You don't have to," Ren said. "But if you can, you should." When Nora stayed silent, he continued. "You just have to show up for attendance, we can take notes for you." Nora remained mute. "...We can also make sure Ruby doesn't bother you." Nora turns and looks at Ren for the first time since she woke up and was greeted with a soft smile. She giggled and nodded. Ren excused himself to run a bath for Nora and she sat up in bed, still giggling.

And she was still giggling as she put on her robe. High pitched, merciless, frantic giggles she couldn't stop. Every breath was a gasp and an exhale of desperate laughter. Her eyes burned with tears. She didn't know when her laughter turned to sobs, but a lifetime of experience had taught her how to repress it. Slow, deep breaths, in and out, even when her body was shaking trying to expel the air from her lungs. Slow breaths even when her heart was racing. Slow breaths even when her chest hurt from the effort.

Slow.

Breaths.

When Ren returned, her hysteria had gone. She hoped he hadn't noticed its arrival.

* * *

The team's washroom was hot and muggy, the mirrors fogged over. She closed her eyes and disrobed and stood basking in the warmth briefly before slowly stepping into and lowering herself gingerly into the bath. The water burned and she hissed as she immersed herself and closed the curtain behind her. She liked the heat. At home her family had a small sauna room and during the winter months she loved relaxing in there alone... Or with her sister.

Probably not best to think about her now. That girl's emotionally trying even on a good day.

She hears the dorm room door open followed by the muffled sounds of her teammates talking. Nora sighed and slid down in the tub, submerging her head in the water until only her lips and nose breached the surface. She felt the water She felt the water resting at the corners of her mouth, threatening to spill into her. She drew a deep breath and slouched below the water.

At first it was relaxing, but soon the pressure rose in her chest, a gentle request for fresh air that was slowly becoming more urgent. She let out a bubble of breath and felt some of the pressure relieve itself. In the back of her mind Nora questioned why she was doing this. She let out another bubble of air and listened to the soft "boop" it made as it breached the surface. Her lungs protested the loss. Why was she doing this, throwing away the air she needed? She squeezed her eyes tight and quickly emptied her lungs.

Her chest was on fire, burning pain filled her core and ran down her arms to her fingertips. She heard her heart thudding as loud as cannon fire and blood rushing through her eardrums. Her body twitches, trying to breathe but she refuses to let it, refuses to give in to her body's need. Nora tells herself she's doing this to have control, to remain mistress of her body even when it cannot be denied.

Her vision has dimmed.

And she wonders if she is telling herself the truth.

Nora heard the bathroom door open and jerked upright in the tub, gasping for breath. Pyrrha had stepped inside and quickly closed the door behind her. "Sorry!" she exclaimed. "I didn't mean to scare you." Nora didn't respond and instead grabbed the bar of soap and halfheartedly started rubbing it over her body.

"I brought your clothes," Pyrrha continued, setting them down on the counter. "And we brought you some pancakes. With plenty of syrup." She smiled and slipped off her robe and started putting on her own uniform. Nora murmured quiet but sincere thanks and watched the other girl dress.

Pyrrha was beautiful, there was no denying that even if one didn't get to see her in the undressed state Nora was often witness to. Long red hair, bright green eyes, smooth tanned skin rippled from muscles born from a strenuous life. Nora idly rubbed the soap between her breasts and felt her heart pounding in her chest. She admired the amazon's form (in a strictly aesthetic sense, of course!), but the girl was irritatingly perfect.

It's not that Pyrrha was more athletic, Nora thought. She knew she was fit, fit and probably stronger. You don't throw around a warhammer without building up your muscles. Pyrrha just looks better with hers. Sleek and lean, without an ounce of fat. Dangerous. Nora looked down at herself. She was just... stout? Sturdy? Not fat, certainly, but some adjectives perhaps better suited for a bookshelf than a pretty girl. Being shorter certainly didn't help her. She watched Pyrrha slip on her shoes and sighed. Heels. Girls that tall shouldn't be allowed to wear heels. It was just unfair. Nora tried heels every so often, never with much success. Fine for standing or walking around, but who wanted to do that? Maybe THAT'S what Ren wanted. A girl who could stand around. Being tall. Stupid Ren.

"Nora?"

Nora shook her thoughts out. Pyrrha was looking at her, concern on her face.

"Are you okay?"

No, she wasn't okay! She was short and ugly. Boys didn't like her and her friends didn't understand her. She didn't even know if she really even had friends. She was stupid and slow and the schoolwork was just getting harder and harder and she missed home and her family andeverythingwasjustfallingapart _andshedidn'tknowhowtostopitall_ -

"I'm fine," she said, emotionlessly.

"Are you sure? You are just..." Pyrrha drifted off, not finding the words.

She doesn't really want to know. She just feels guilty about not being able to help and wants everything to be swell again. Just tell her what she wants to hear.

"I'm fine," Nora repeated.

Pyrrha nodded slowly. "Alright... We'll just... I will see you in class?"

"Yes, Pyrrha."

Pyrrha nodded again and after a moments hesitation exited the bathroom. Nora heard muffled talking outside and drowned it out by releasing the plug in the bath and letting the water drain around her. She toweled off and dressed with her eyes steadfastly off the mirror until she had finished. When she did, she barely recognized the dead eyes of the girl staring back at her.

"What is WRONG with you?" she asked the girl. The girl didn't know and said nothing.

* * *

Back in their room Ren was waiting. He had already finished his breakfast and was sitting on his bed with a plate of pancakes for Nora. She smiled humorlessly. "I'm not really hungry, can we just go?"

"You need to eat something."

She sighed, but sat next to him and took the plate when he offered.

"Just take a few bites and we can go."

Nora poked at the pancakes with her fork idly.

"I know Pyrrha and Jaune would feel better if you ate some. They're worried about you."

Nora snorted. "What about you? Are you worried?"

"I'm never worried about you," Ren, impassive as usual. "You can handle anything."

She sat unmoving for several moments before quietly whispering "What if I can't?"

"You can. Trust me."

She turned her attention back to the pancakes. She didn't see it at all. How could he have such faith when it was so obvious he was wrong to?

"Would," she started, and stopped before shaking her head and starting again. "If I don't go to class, will you stay with me?"

Ren reached over and placed his hand over hers. She felt his warmth and he gave a comfortable squeeze. "Nora," he said seriously, "I will always stay with you." He then smiled "But we really should see if we can get to class."

Nora laughed, though she couldn't say what she was laughing at. Ren slowly let go of her hand and she started eating. It was going to be a long day, but she now thought she might get through it.


	2. The Suicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is a spiritual successor to the previous chapter, but there is little if any direct continuity between them so you can think of it as a separate story if you prefer. This story also contains reference to and description of suicide. If that bothers you, do not proceed. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. People do care.

Ren found Nora on the roof of the hotel, perched on the safety railing and gazing out over the city below. She twisted around, hearing him approach and looked back at him painfully. She was silhouetted by the setting sun and surrounded by the burning sky. Surrounded by such color her own features seemed dimmed, amplified by her forlorn expression and simple black dress.

"Go away Ren," she sighed.

Ren ignored her.

"Your sister was wondering where you were," he said, walking slowly towards the railing.

"I mean it, Ren," she said threateningly, "I want to be alone."

Ren stopped a few yards from her and stood, saying nothing. Nora opened her mouth to reissue her warning, but when words would not come she instead turned back to watch the sunset. Ren stood, watching her, not knowing what to do with his hands. He tried resting them on his hips, but soon found himself slipping them into his suit's pants pockets. He scuffed his shoe against the roof idly before crossing his arms over his chest. Nora leaned forward on her perch, staring down at the street below.

"She's worried about you, you know," he said suddenly. "Your sister, I mean."

Nora slowly raised her gaze from the street and returned it to Ren. "She doesn't worry about anyone but herself," she said.

"I'm not entirely sure that's true," Ren said, taking another casual step towards Nora.

"You didn't live with her," Nora said, bitterly.

Ren shrugged as he reached the railing and leaned against it. "I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "I know she can be a little monster at times, but I also know you love her anyway." He looked to Nora to see she had gone back to watching the street below. From here Ren could see her puffy eyes and smeared makeup. "So," he continued, "is it really such a stretch to think she can love you too?"

Nora choked back a quiet sob and shook her head. Tears rolled down her cheeks, sparkling in the last rays of sunlight before slipping and falling into the void. Ren reached up and rubbed her back gently. He looked out over the city. The lights of the city were starting to show themselves as the sun dipped below the horizon, bathing the city in a dull golden glow. It was starting to cool down, but the warmth of Summer had not quite left.

The pair stayed silent for a long moment, save for Nora's quiet sniffling. "We should go back inside," Ren said, quietly.

"No," Nora snapped. "No, I'm staying here. I'm staying here and I'm watching the sunset and I'm... I'm..." Her anger faded as quickly as it arrived and she fell back into sobs. "Go away, Ren," she whispered. "Please just go away."

"I'm not leaving you," Ren said, solemnly. Nora barked a bitter laugh but said nothing for a long time.

Slowly her tears stopped. "Do you remember the last time we were up here?" she asked, wistfully. "It was Carnie's sixteenth birthday? "

Ren nodded. Carnation's brother managed the hotel and she had convinced him to let them up onto the roof. They'd spent the night looking at the city, playing music, talking, and getting drunk on some drinks Nora's sister Liko had somehow procured. Ren couldn't remember seeing Carnie happier, a big toothy grin behind soda bottle glasses and under a mane of wild mousy brown hair.

Ren smiled sadly. "It was a good night," he said. "The next morning wasn't. Neither was getting grounded when our parents found out."

Nora smiled, looking up at the darkening sky. "It was worth it. Watching Carnie trying to sing _Splish, Splash, Die_..." Her smile fell again and she looked to Ren beside her. "I miss her."

Ren lightly placed his hand over hers on the railing and squeezed softly. "Me too," he said.

"Why did she do it?" Nora whispered. "I mean I know she was troubled, she always was. And it was hard when we went to Beacon and she didn't..."

Ren nodded. Carnation was a nice girl, certainly, but very quiet and while she wasn't really disliked by anyone she kept to herself and made hardly any friends. How Nora broke through her shell Ren didn't know, but one day Nora showed up at Ren's house with the girl in tow and since then they had spent all their time together. When she could, at least. It was common for her to find herself unable to pull herself from her bed and she wore a forlorn look on her face so often that even Ren sometimes felt uncomfortable around the girl.

Thank goodness for Nora, Ren's mother had said, and Ren agreed. She knew the agony Carnation's mind was putting her through first hand and forced herself to be there for the girl regardless of her own turmoil. Liko had once asked Nora how she could stand it when she couldn't stand her own depression. Nora had shrugged, dismissively and said that she couldn't always help herself but she could help someone else and that helped herself.

Liko had laughed, but Ren thought it was one of the more profound thoughts Nora had ever had.

But at the end of their time at the academy, Ren and Nora had gone to Beacon. Carnation wasn't qualified or interested in becoming a huntress and had instead applied to a small college. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do, but was sure she would find her calling there.

She wrote emails to Nora, at first every day, but they had quickly become more erratic. Sometimes weeks would pass between notes, sometimes hours, always frantically written. They told of difficulties with schoolwork and family, the isolation she felt and how much she wanted to see her old friends. Eventually she completely stopped talking about anything in her life and each message was a simple plea repeated over and over: Please tell me something happy.

Nora had decided to visit her. She sent off a note, packed a bag, and jumped on a bus, leaving it to Ren to explain her absence to her team and the Academy faculty. When she arrived at Carnation's apartment she hadn't even bothered knocking and instead burst through with a shout and a grin.

And that's how she found her.

"She knew I was coming," Nora whispered. "She knew I was coming, why did she do it? Why didn't she wait? Why did she want me to find her like..." She trails off, staring into the distance. "I pulled her down and had to wait with her for the police... I just don't know why she wanted me to see..."

She turned to Ren again. "Do you know the worst part?"

"Nora, don't-" Ren started, but he was immediately cut off by Nora.

"It was the beam," she continued, as if he hadn't spoken. "She tied the extension cord around a beam in her ceiling so when she kicked over the chair... Anyway, it was the beam. I can't get it out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I see it."

"Nora, please-"

"It was covered in scratches." Nora laughed suddenly. Tears were falling from her eyes, but she was quickly dissolving into a fit of hysterical giggles. Soon she was gasping for breath, lips pulled back in a cruel mockery of a grin.

Ren looked on, helplessly. He had no words left. He would normally just try to be there for her and let the episode pass, but... He looked down at the street below and saw how small the people and cars looked from up here.

"Nora," he pleaded, "come inside with me."

"Have you ever wondered if you could do it?" Nora asked as her laughing slowly died down.

"No," Ren said immediately, "and neither should you."

"But I do," Nora whined, leaning forward into empty space. "It's why I came up here, but you knew that, didn't you?" Ren nodded, uncomfortably, but Nora was already going on. "I sit on the edge and dangle my feet in space and wonder if I can leap off." She smiles softly. "And I almost think I can. I can feel it, the call of the void, telling me to jump and it feels like I could fly instead of fall. Like I could catch the wind instead of it slipping through my fingers."

"Nora, don't think about that."

"I can't help it," Nora sighed. "It's because of the scratches, don't you see? I have to know. Because when she kicked over the chair-"

"Nora-" Ren started.

"And when she was hanging there-" Nora started speaking louder.

"Nora, stop!"

"She was clawing at the beam, Ren!" Nora screamed. "She was scratching and clawing trying to pull herself up! When she thought she couldn't stand living any longer she fought for it! She tore off her fingernails trying to live and she almost did it! She almost made it...! She almost..."

The tears came again with a scream of rage and pain and this time Ren was there with her. The tension that had been building in him in the days since he received Nora's panicked phone call broke and he had no comfort in him but tears.

Nora stood up on the edge of the roof beyond the railings and Ren watched her, helplessly as she let go and stood for a moment untethered. Slowly she turned and climbed over the railing back to Ren's side. She hugged him tight and they stood, embracing and crying in one another's arms for a long time.

"I almost fell," Nora murmured quietly into Ren's chest. "When I climbed over, before you got here, I slipped. I caught myself, of course, and I was so scared and I just started laughing. It was just so stupid, you know? I came out here thinking of... of jumping, and I was terrified when I found myself about to fall... I grabbed hold and pulled myself back up."

Ren squeezed her tighter in his arms. "I'm glad," he said.

She squeezed him back as if clinging on for her life. "I think I am too."


	3. The Talk

"Nora...? Are you in here?"

"...Don't turn on the lights."

"Do you want to come back to the room?"

"...Are they mad at me?"

"They're concerned."

"...Why?"

"You weren't acting like yourself."

"No, I mean... why do they care?"

"They're your friends."

"No they're not."

"Of course they are."

"I don't have any friends."

"What about me?"

"...You're different. The only reason you don't leave me like everybody else is you never actually do anything."

"..."

"...I'm sorry. I don't mean to ruin everything."

"You don't."

"Will you stop lying to me?!"

"I would never lie to you."

"You would if you thought it'd make me feel better."

"..."

"...What?"

"That sounds like something a friend would do."

"...I hate you."

"I know."

"...No I don't."

"I know that too."

"Can you just... Can you just leave me alone?"

"Is that what you really want?"

"Yes... No... I don't know."

"Then I'll stay until you do."

"...Why don't you ever get mad at me?"

"Practice."

"You're not funny, you know."

"I'm hilarious."

"...Sometimes."

"It's an understated humor."

"It's barely noticeable."

"You noticed it."

"Just lucky, I guess."

"Yes, I am."

"...Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Trying to make me feel better! I'm not a kid in a bad mood you can cheer up with a few bad jokes and ice cream! I'm-"

"Sick."

"...I don't mean to be."

"I know. It's okay."

"It's not fair."

"...You haven't been taking your medicine, have you?"

"..."

"Your doctor said-"

"She doesn't have to take it."

"You were doing a lot better. I could really see a difference. Everybody could."

"Yay. Everybody noticed me being less of a freak."

"Nora."

"Sorry... I just... I couldn't keep doing it. I felt like I was about to fall asleep or throw up all the time. Not being able to... It's not important."

"What?"

"Nothing... I need... I need a pill every day to be normal. Do you know what that feels like? To be so broken you need to have your mind altered just so the eight hours a day you're awake for aren't hell? It's not... It's not right..."

"I know..."

"No, you don't. You have no idea what it's like. It gets so... I want... I was doing so much better."

"Yes, you were."

"No, I was doing so much better, you see? I was okay. I felt okay anyway. It was like I had been drowning in a pool while everyone swims around me and suddenly I had an inner tube to keep my head above water. But... But it's not enough. I can't really swim. It's awkward and uncomfortable and I'm still apart from everybody. So I just... slipped out. And I could swim... For a while... For a long while... And now..."

"I'm sorry."

"..."

"...Do you feel up to going back to the dorm?"

"...Do I have to?"

"Eventually. But not now. Not if you don't want to."

"I don't want to."

"Okay."

"...I'm afraid."

"...What are you afraid of?"

"Them."

"They aren't mad."

"No, I just can't... Arggh!"

"What's wrong?"

"I can't explain it..."

"Can you try?"

"No, it's... It's crazy..."

"..."

"...I can't go back... I'm going to do this again and I can't be the person who... I'm a time bomb. I'm going to go off and hurt them and get better and then go off again and again and again. I don't want..."

"You don't want to hurt them... That's not crazy."

"No... Yes... No. No. They'll start treating me with kids gloves, like I'm made of glass. They'll put up with outbursts and episodes and... And they'll get tired. They'll get as tired as I am and... And they won't be able to keep it up... Nobody can forever... I can't see them again because I don't want to lose them."

"...You won't lose us."

"You don't know that! Nobody stays! Everybody leaves me, and I don't blame them! I-I-I'm not worth it."

"You're worth it to me."

"You don't count."

"You're worth it to Jaune. You're worth it to Pyrrha. You're worth it to Ruby and Yang and Blake and Weiss."

"You don't know that."

"I do."

"How? How can you? Everybody says that, but when they have to live with it they... They can't! They never can! You're all going to leave me, just get it over with!"

"...We're not leaving tonight."

"Tonight."

"Tonight matters. We are here for you tonight. You don't think we'll be here tomorrow, or some tomorrow to come and I think I'll always be here. We don't really know... But tomorrow won't undo today and today we are here."

"...I hate you sometimes."

"I know."

"...I don't want to be broken any more."

"I know..."

"It's like... It's like I'm bleeding out but nobody can see the wound, just the blood. It's like the only reason I don't cry all the time is I can't find the energy. There's a machine in my head twisting every joy into something wrong... I feel so... weak..."

"You'll get better."

"You don't know that."

"I have faith in you."

"...Why?"

"Because you're not weak. You're still here. You wake up in the morning dreading the day. You feel alone when you're surrounded by love. You bleed and cry and wish you were gone with every bit of yourself... And you still get up. And you still face the day. You keep making friends and you keep trying even when you wish you could stop. Can't you see you've been fighting the entire time? You're not weak. You're the strongest girl I know."

"...I don't feel strong."

"That's because you're tired. And when you're tired, I'll be here for you."

"...Why?"

"Because you're my hero."

"..."

"...Are you ready?"

"Just... Just a little longer... I'm so tired."

"It's okay. We can rest a little longer."


End file.
